Friends: It may have been a disappointing weekend with news of college deferrals. I wrote this as an encouragement to current and future college applicants and their parents to keep perspective and humor.

Keeping Perspective as You Embark on College Applications: Five Tips

1. Maintain a strict need to know basis when it comes to your child’s college application pool. Outside of maybe the grandparents or a godparent, this isn’t a spectator sport. Remember the mom who stood outside of preschool pick up bemoaning about the “burdens of being so blessed with talented kids” while you were just praying that no one noticed the typo on the group email where you inquired about any possible “meth camps” instead of "math camps" for your older child? Well, that tiger mom is unleashed in the jungle and has her boxing gloves off. Bragging at preschool was only the warm-up activity. You won’t be able to namaste away the prying questions of some parents who have warped the college admissions game into a throwback of the Cold War era arms race. Take this needless drama out of the equation. That’s right, no social media postings of campus visits or of application submissions. Just wait until the Spring or high school graduation to share news and even then, remember to be kind and tasteful. Remember saying everything in college admissions is completely merit-based is about as accurate as an interview with a famous actress who only orders pasta in front of a journalist so that she comes across as relatable.

In my experience, the kids who were happiest through this process---whether they got into their preferred schools or not---did not have the stress of spectators who felt owed an answer about “how is the college search going?” This is not a horse race at Saratoga; it’s part of your teen’s life cycle. Even if well-intentioned, it is no one's business about your child’s school options and you should secure the conversational perimeter and prevent your child from being conversational bait.

2. If you’re going to read about college admissions, I recommend Jeffrey Selingo's Who Gets in and Why which offers a fascinating insider view and NYT columnist Frank Bruni's Where You Go Is Not Who'll Be which sets the stage that personal character, individual drive, and work ethic matter more than a college ranking.

3. Expect your child to do the groundwork. If you have a friend or colleague who graduated from a school of interest to your child, of course it’s fair game to reach out for any advice. Just make sure that your child writes a thank you note. Every single time. I can’t tell you how many times teachers or others who have written recommendations mention that not only did the student neglect to thank them, that the student didn’t even inform the letter writer of his or her intended plans of study. Now is a good time to teach that you don’t just go to adults when they are useful for your own purposes. Let your child drive the relationships in terms of who he or she will seek out for help and to thank them for their time and advice.

4. Designate a certain time of the week to talk about the application-like a Saturday or Sunday afternoon. Maybe incorporate this as part of a walk or run together. Go to a breakfast diner or a favorite pizza place or a park gazebo and expect that this will be your time to check in about college applications and about how things are going. There is no reason to make this an all-consuming thing. Do you really want college discussions to set the conversational pace for the last two years of your child’s time spent at home?

5. Lastly, remember that your child’s frontal lobe is still in development. Don’t pressure them into having a love affair with plasma physics when only a few years ago your child was racing hot wheel cars across your other child’s torso. We all know that those pretentious Christmas card pictures with the child reading The Iliad are staged. Try to make sure that you let your child comes across as humble, collegial, and hard-working. Chances are that if your child is the next Yo Yo Ma, Julliard will be calling you and not the other way around. Try not to rush or panic as your child’s decisions and needs will likely change between their junior and senior year. And the very fact that you are able to go through the college search and application process with your child is a privilege.

As I write this, 400,000 children in the U.S. alone are wrapped up in our country’s foster care system. Take stock in knowing that you had this time together and that you as a parent were a model of grace, humor, and humility. The unconditional support you gave will set your child up for a life of character and consequence which will far outweigh any college acceptance letter.

Upcoming: Timelines and Essay Topics on the Do Not Fly List: Five Tips