How Parents Can Denuclearize the College Application Arms Race

Imagine what the college application process would look like if we as parents and school community members adopted the CIA’s “Need to Know Principle” and behaved like we don’t have a specific need to know where students are applying or accepted to college.  Then consider how we would implement that?

We can stop the social media arms race of posting online.  For parents of rising juniors and seniors, let’s abandon “a measure and compare, rinse and repeat mentality” when it comes to college applications and acceptances. Why does the college application process have to be such a spectator event? Do these pandemic high students really need to feel like the Roman Gladiators of the admissions arena?

Disappointing news is generally easier to accept when received and maintained privately. Any college deferral or rejection should not be taken as an indictment against the student, because part of college admissions is entirely subjective. I counsel students and families against allowing well-intentioned people to hound or pressure them into sharing about where they are applying or what campuses they’ve toured. For example, think critically before posting pictures of college visits and tours. I’ve found that students whom I’ve worked with are happiest and maintain a healthier perspective when they’ve kept their college applications private (like what you would do if you were interviewing for a new job).   

Just as the megawatt-talented Julie Jargon of the Wall Street Journal has written about endless streams of TikToks causing Tourette syndrome in some teens, so too should parents take it very seriously about the harmfulness of being entrapped in the obsession with college applications which can lead to students thinking their intrinsic value is tied to a college acceptance. Instead of adults asking, “what’s your dream school?” why not ask “what’s the last book you read which really made you think?”

By trying to obsessively calibrate “which college will accept you,” we’re sidestepping the Mona Lisa in the room, which is that we could all benefit from more college data and transparency into the acceptance process. Students face an asymmetric system where legacy preferences, preferences for children of faculty, non-iterative application processes, and no lotteries for qualified students impede meritocracy. An admissions denial is not necessarily an indictment against a student’s qualifications. Many college admissions officers are just as frustrated by the sheer volume of applicants and the lack of transparency in the process as we are. Even though higher education is a business, imagine a company pitching angel investors and saying “we can’t tell you how we are building our business (our data), but we are building a tapestry of new clients (students)! We are weaving a mosaic of investors (students)!”

 And yes, it’s okay to share your child’s post-high school plans (with their permission) but try to do so in a way that thanks others and not in a way that celebrates exclusivity, which is how we wound up in the arms race in the first place. Keep in mind that many families are still experiencing the emotional and financial shrapnel of the pandemic.

My clients frequently lament that they feel more pressure from adults than from peers.  I’ve talked with students and reviewed essays while meeting in countless Dunkin’ Donuts franchises, in transitional youth shelter housing, and while standing in line boarding a plane after striking up a conversation about schools. No matter the duration of our conversations, students often share that the expectations and pressure they receive from adults are far worse than that received from their friends. And generally, students don’t want to share “good news” at the expense of hurting their friend’s feelings.

And while there is so much ambiguity (test-optional or not?), we as parents and community members can be clear that a school ranking does not define one’s character or predestine what they will make out of their lives.  Let’s all try to be gracious and encouraging. College acceptance often is a result of luck and circumstance. In the words of a priest this past week: “Happiness is never a function of filling oneself up; it’s a wonderful function of giving oneself away.”

Many of these students have lost two years of social and business etiquette and are now asked to essentially write a case study of their entire lives to be read by a total stranger in an admissions office. Let’s help and support these students by asking the right questions so that they can share their talents, in whatever form, and from whatever campus or trade school, with the world.